Congratulations, Ansel Adams acolyte! You’ve mastered the Zone System, memorized reciprocity failure charts for Ilford HP5, and even developed a cult-like devotion to your $3,000 Rolleiflex. Yet somehow, your photos still look like they were taken by a caffeinated squirrel with a Holga. Let’s unpack this tragedy, shall we?
1. Your Lens is Probably Haunted by Mediocrity
You spent months hunting that rare Leica Summilux, convinced it would elevate your work to Cartier-Bresson levels. But here’s the kicker: lenses don’t care about your artistic vision. That “dreamy bokeh” you’re obsessed with? It’s just optics mocking your inability to focus. Literally. Check your ground glass—turns out “slightly misaligned” isn’t an aesthetic, Karen.
2. Expired Film Isn’t a Personality
Yes, we get it. You bulk-bought 30 rolls of Kodak Verichrome Pan from a sketchy eBay seller who swore it was “stored in a nuclear bunker.” Newsflash: expired film doesn’t make you edgy; it makes your shadows look like moldy cheese. Embrace fresh emulsion, you chaos gremlin.
3. Your Light Meter is Gaslighting You
You’ve got a Sekonic L-858D clipped to your belt like a photography fanny pack. But deep down, you still second-guess every reading and end up bracketing like a paranoid raccoon. Spoiler: Your meter isn’t wrong—you’re wrong. Also, the sun isn’t “being difficult.” It’s a fusion reactor, not your ex.
4. Darkroom? More Like Drama Room
You’ve perfected the art of dodging, burning, and swearing at trays of Ilford Multigrade. But that “fine art” print still resembles a Rorschach test. Pro tip: If your developer smells like regret and your fixer smells like divorce, maybe stop using vinegar as stop bath. Just a thought.
5. You’re Addicted to Gear, Not Results
Your camera shelf looks like a museum exhibit titled “Midlife Crisis in Chrome.” But let’s be real: owning seven Mamiya 7s doesn’t make you a visionary. It makes you a hoarder with a Flickr account. Try using one for longer than a TikTok trend.
The Good News? Nobody Cares.
Film photography is a masochistic hobby where failure is the point. Embrace the light leaks, the misframed shots, and the fact that your best work is still just a happy accident. Now go shoot that roll of Ektachrome you’ve been “saving for something special” since 2019. Your fridge isn’t getting any colder.